Notes from the Doghouse

Kermit: Let’s tell everyone why we refer to the doghouse all the time. I’ve had several people ask me and I told them it’s because we seem to get into trouble with our significant others all the time.

Sam: I’ve had so many problems in previous marriages that I was always in the doghouse for something. For instance, in one of my marriages, when we were asleep, I started pushing and shoving her and yelling (while asleep, of course), “Quick! Quick! Get up! We have to go, now! Quick!” I found out later that I was saying it over and over. She got up and went around to my side of the bed and said “What’s wrong? Why do we have to leave?” I said, now half awake, “Quick, my wife is coming; we need to get out of here.” Then I saw the look on her face. It was not a pleasant experience.

Kermit: I’ve been in trouble, but not like that. Mine were usually because my hearing isn’t what it should be. Sometimes it’s funny, like thinking she said 88 sheep instead of ADHD; and other times I’d bring home something like diet pills instead of Nyquil.

Sam: I once owned a business and was talking to someone when, unknown to me, my cell phone decided to call home and my wife caught the tail end of the conversation. I was talking about my first wife and said, jokingly of course, that whenever I saw her I would get hungry for a hamburger because her weight reminded me of a Holstein cow. My wife, when I got home and asked what was for dinner, said, “Why don’t you go get a hamburger?” Another time, I was complaining about her griping and finding work for me to do around the house, the cell phone called her and she heard me say, “Next thing you know she’ll probably want me to paint the bathtub to match the toilet.” Well, when I got home, guess what she said she wanted me to do?

Kermit: What is it with you and cell phones? I remember when I moved out of a house, I had to show someone how to wire back in the thermostat for one of the bedrooms. I had taken it out of the wall because the stupid thing didn’t have an off setting, just low and in the summer it got too hot. I was pointing to the several connections, explaining which wire went where and touched one just as my phone vibrated in my shirt pocket. You were calling and I thought I was getting shocked, so I threw the thing up in the air and it fell to the sidewalk and shattered. I hope they found another one because it was very old and looked irreplaceable.

Sam: I just don’t seem to get along with some of the new technologies that have come out. Even ‘no tech’ stuff gets me into trouble, such as holding hands.

 I was holding hands once with my wife, or so I thought, in the grocery store. I looked down to the end of the aisle and there she was, looking at me with her hands on her hips. I slowly glanced to my right and discovered I was holding hands with a complete stranger. She was good-looking, too. I still don’t know how that happened. The look my wife was giving me should have been enough to convince me to not let go, for I probably would have been better off never going home again. Oh well, I guess I’ll never learn.

Sam and Kermit: Now you know why we’re in the doghouse so often. Life is just too weird to keep us out.

SAM ROBISON AND KERMIT HALE
Culture Writers

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