Life through the eyes of a fashion guru

I’ve always held the theory that fashion reflects our world. It exemplifies the beauty, creativity and innate desire for self expression that exists in every human being. 

But there are some aspects of ourselves that don’t need expressed, and some things just aren’t pretty. Case and point: Crocs.

Clunky and full of holes (which I assume are for ventilation) these resin catastrophes are taking over the world and turning it into a fashion addict’s version of hell. They’re sold almost everywhere and come in every color under the sun. I’ve had many run-ins with these “shoes,” and every instance has inflamed my hatred for them even more.

The very first time I ever saw a pair of Crocs was when I was boarding a plane and a girl that was traveling in our group decided to wear them “because they’re soooo comfortable.”
The entire time I kept wondering why she was wearing gardening shoes when we were traveling to the desert.

Soon after I started seeing them everywhere, it became clear that this was a footwear epidemic. On a trip to Walgreens I found a pair that made my stomach turn: blindingly-bright yellow with little Corona bottles printed all over them. Wow.
Two fashion catastrophes in one: Crocs and alcohol emblems.

Winco always produces a rich tapestry of odd apparel and people, and on one venture not long after the Walgreens run-in I spied what could quite possibly be the most atrocious outfit of all time. Standing next to his minivan loading a cartful of groceries, a tall, thin man had on yellow shorts, complemented by lavender ankle socks with black trim and bright neon-green Crocs. The footwear was so astounding and bright that I completely neglected to see what kind of shirt could complete this awful rainbow ensemble. Lavender. Green. Yellow. Socks. Crocs. I feel sick.

Today a professor of mine decided to be hip-and-trendy and pair Crocs with a suit. Everyday I see at least one student trucking across campus with Croc-laden feet. Dillard’s is feeding the fire. The online version of the department store has an entire section dedicated to campus Crocs (meaning Crocs made specifically for universities and donning school colors).

Whatever you love, odds are there is a Croc for it. Still in that 70s hippie phase? Tie-dyed Crocs! NASCAR? NASCAR Jeff Gordon Crocs! I need an anti-Croc Croc (a resin stilletto heel, perhaps?).

They even come in mini-versions for babies. Now children can be corrupted and grow up to continue the sock-with-hideous-Croc madness.

The storage closet at the mall that houses gift wrap during the holiday season was left ajar on one of my shopping trips, and the walls, the floor, every inch of the space was filled to the brim with Crocs.

Now the geniuses that started all this mess are attempting to befriend fashion lovers by launching YoubyCrocs, a line that will feature footwear that is more style-inclined. This comes too late in my book.

I’ll always hear “Crocs” and think of the shoe that was designed to be the “perfect boating shoe,” (which I ironically would like to tie to a rock and throw off a boat so the I can make sure that they will never surface and plague the world again).
Sure they’re comfy. But if your feet ache so bad that you are willing to sacrifice every ounce of style, why the hell don’t you just wear slippers?

Let’s band together and save the world (well, maybe just the
fashion world).

Sheree Whiteley

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