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Attention all you promiscuous MySpace Webcam vixens, this story is for you
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I’ve often heard my guy friends complain about the random e-mails they get on Myspace from promiscuous Webcam girls who try to lure them into purchasing a membership to pornography Websites.
Imagine my surprise when I logged onto my account the other day and found the following e-mail waiting for me, grammatical errors and all.
“I cant believe I’m doing this but you really caught me eye. I was looking at your profile and couldn’t get you off my mind. Something about your eyes tells me your a good man.î Ryek7 went on to say, ìWe seem to have a lot in common and would love the opportunity to explore this furthur. The fact that we live in the same area has its benifits….Im a brunette with blue eyes, im 5’’4 and 116 lbs. Im an energetic and outgoing individual. I love to cook gourmet meals and enjoy pleasent romantic conversations. Im occasionally on Myspace but I use Snet more often. I have a lot of pictures, if you are interested here is my link it’s under ryek7. i hope i will hear from you soon.”
I found this interesting because I’m actually a woman, a fact listed plainly on my profile. If they missed that, one of the multitudes of picture slide shows I have on my profile should have alerted them to my gender, but perhaps my manly eyes threw them off.
Provided under the e-mail was a link to a porn site where ryek7 had pictures of herself playing hide the salami in … well, I’d prefer not to say where she was trying to hide it but you get the drift.
I decided to take a shot at answering the age old question of what to do with these types of e-mails (besides delete them) and sent the following reply to my promiscuous Webcam vixen.
“Dear ryek7, Where have you been my whole life, baby cakes? It’s lovely to hear that someone has finally taken notice of my manhood. You know, I almost feel bad for the other guys in the shower when they happen to glance over at my enormous member. I don’t like to brag, but if you needed somewhere to hang your coat, give me a Viagra with some red bull and vodka and your parka will never hit the floor, Sugar!
I too enjoy romantic conversation and gourmet meals, but since I have no money and fully intend on finding a classy dame such as yourself to support me through life, I’ll take you for a spin through the drive- thru at Wendy’s on our first date.
Afterward, to prove just how good a conversationalist I am, I’ll entertain you with the story of the time I spent Independence Day burping the ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ in soprano while my friends lit my farts on fire because we couldn’t afford fireworks.
I know you’ll share in my amusement of this story because of this undeniable connection we share, as you pointed out in your letter.
You’re right – living in the same area does have its benefits! I just got my third DUI, had my license taken away and am no longer allowed to drive. As part of my punishment I’ve been assigned to stay with Paris Hilton on mansion arrest. We’re going to give each other pedicures and talk smack about Britney Spears. It’s going to be awful, but since I did the crime, I’m going to do the time.
When they let me out of the slammer, you can drive me around town and help me maintain my electronic ankle bracelet. Paris is having ours special ordered! They’re going to be made of pink diamonds and play “When Stars Collide” if we try to break out of mansion arrest.
Well sugar lips, I’ve gotta jam, but if you’re fine ass messages me again, you better be ready – I’ll give you the most erotic, sensual and orgasmic three minutes of your simple life! As long as you promise to bake me a potpie and rub my hairy belly afterward.
Now get your ass in the kitchen and get me a beer!”
I signed the letter, “Yours Truly, Captain Man Candy.”
I’m sorry to report my Webcam vixen never replied to my e-mail. Most likely that was because the woman in the pictures was not the one who wrote me in the first place. More likely, it was a computer program that porn sites use to mass e-mail men on MySpace in order to drive traffic to their Websites, My MySpace URL somehow got labeled as being a man’s, and was thrown in there by mistake.
Too bad, I was getting kind of excited there for a second. Ryek7 and I had a lot in common and I’m sure we could have shared something truly special had she not been an internet floozy looking to increase her downloads.
Shannon Morgan
