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The way we see it …
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It’s that time of year. The one with crunchy fall leaves littering the streets, jack-o-lanterns waiting to be smashed to pieces and greedy little candy mongers dressed up as superheroes and queer representations of evil spirits.
Yup, it’s Halloween.
And while some people enjoy the holiday by carving pumpkins and buying candy in bulk, others look to spoil it – the ancient trick-or-treaters.
In all honesty, the ancient trick-or-treater isn’t really ancient, just well past the unspoken age limit.
What is the unspoken age limit?
It’s really tough to say. Some end their candy-hunting phase in junior high, others trick-or-treat until they’re old enough to have children themselves.
Others take a break and go back when they have hellions of their own. It’s really a personal question: when am I going to stop looking cute perusing the streets in a costume with a bucket shaped like a pumpkin and start looking like a lunatic that escaped from the local mental institution?
To aid in answering this question, we here at The Arbiter have provided some helpful hints.
1. If you’re old enough to buy beer (legally), then you’re too old to trick-or-treat. Embrace the freedom given to you and enjoy a Halloween cocktail.
2. If you can vote on an amendment to ban old trick-or-treaters, you’re too old.
3. If you have to shop for your Halloween costume in the adult section, you probably shouldn’t go trick-or-treating. You could see a mini version of your costume on some little tike, resulting in extreme embarrassment and raised eyebrows from the child’s parents.
4. If you own/are paying rent for a house, you really shouldn’t be soliciting candy from your neighbors.
5. Gentlemen: If you have facial hair, you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating. The only mustaches that warrant a handful of Smarties are fake and glued to 10 year-olds.
6. Ladies: If you’re old enough to partake in the scandalous costume frenzy and walk out of the house without a parent there to scream at you about your outfit, you’re too old to trick-or-treat.
7. If you’re old enough to be exempt from the midnight curfew rule, do something better with your late-night time.
8. If you have kids, take them trick-or-treating and allow them to enjoy it without you presenting your candy bucket
alongside theirs.
9. If you think it’s cool to downscale your costume to a rubber mask and carry a pillowcase to collect candy, you’re a dumbass.
10. If you’ve ever smashed someone else’s jack-o-lantern and thought it was funny, you’ve killed a part of Halloween and
are unworthy of reaping the benefits of the holiday.
Getting older is difficult, but there are many more options for Halloween fun besides trick-or-treating.
Embrace your years – go to a bar, dress up in barely-there attire, hit the streets with your kids or younger siblings, see the new “R” rated horror flick that debuted just in time for the holiday. Leave the candy collecting for the young, not the young at heart.
The way we see it is based on the majority opinions of The Arbiter editorial board. Members of the board are Drew Mayes, editor-in-chief; Troy Sawyer, business manager; Heather English, production manager; Dustin Lapray, managing editor; Brandon Stoker, opinion editor; Harsh Mantri, online editor; and Sheree Whiteley, lead copy editor.
Arbiter Editorial Board